Fear

My anxiety does not pair well with all of the unknowns we are facing in the world today. I am a person with questions who likes straight answers, but that is not possible right now. Nobody can tell me what tomorrow holds. Tomorrow my mom is having major surgery and because of COVID-19 I will not be allowed to see her until she is released. 

When my mom called to tell me that I wont be able to be there during surgery or see her after, I could hear the sadness in her voice and the worry. She is having major surgery tomorrow, but she was worried about me and how I would handle it. I guess that is just a mother's job, but that is why she is my hero. She is scared out of her mind for herself and all of the unknowns in her future, but her biggest concern was making sure I would be alright.

I haven't been able to sleep thinking about her procedure, and I am not sure I will until she is home safely, but all I can do is pray. The fear inside my bones is so real it hurts. My eyes are filling with tears as I write this. I know the surgery is routine and if she doesn't have it things could get worse very quickly, but I can't help but feel this selfish feeling. I just want her to stay home and we can self-quarantine together forever. 

 We lost my mother in law 5 years ago in May. Seeing my husband lose a parent was devastating, losing a person who was like a second mother to me was crushing. The thought of anything bad ever happening to my mom is something that none of us can handle. We are all trying to keep those thoughts out of our heads, but our fear is real. 

 Staying positive is so hard, but I am trying. I just want to see her and hug her. The brightest side of this self-quarantine is my Virginia Pearl. Spending the last few days together has been so much fun. I am trying to focus on that and trying to keep the fear away. 

 Today is Saint Patrick's Day and I am really trying to focus on the "luck of the Irish". I am a lucky girl to have a beautiful healthy daughter, a roof over my head and a mother who loves me so much! How lucky am I to have people that I love me enough to worry about me over themselves. 

Comments

  1. MaureenMarch 17, 2020 at 12:30 PM

    Oh, I feel so badly for both you and your Mom. This line - "The fear inside my bones is so real it hurts." I feel it, now, too!! Saying prayers for your family. Trust that all will be well!

    ReplyDelete
  2. CourtneyKMarch 17, 2020 at 12:47 PM

    Praying for your mom and your family Morgan. I hope all goes well and she recovers quickly! If you need anything I am just a phone call away!

    ReplyDelete

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